Last night, the day had come to a close, and we were drifting off to sleep when Caleb quietly asked,
“Are you happy, baby?”
“Mmmmm, yes, wildly happy,” I replied.
What is so special about that little exchange? We are newlyweds. Of course I’m happy! Unfortunately, it was not always so, for a couple months after our marriage, Caleb, frustrated and confused, stated, “I just don’t know why you’re not happy.” And neither did I.
Generally, life was good, but often, I was down. On April 11, I wrote in my journal:
“I am not happy.
I should be. I have a wonderful life; I have an amazing husband; life is good. But I don’t enjoy it. There are moments of goodness, times of pleasure, but overall, I’m frustrated, tired, grumpy, hard to please. Why? Why, why, why?”
Yes, there were several valid reasons.
I was tired. I hadn’t been used to going to work and being responsible for a house, for shopping, cooking, cleaning, renovating and all the million and one things necessary in married life. Though Caleb and I shared all the responsibilities, my schedule was wild, and I hadn’t had the chance to figure out a routine.
I was desperately busy. I was trying to do it all, do it all well, and get it done right away. I like things perfect. Life is not perfect. Therefore, I was stressed.out. I wanted to enjoy the destination but not the journey. But, really, life is 99% journey.
I was dealing with wild hormones. Yes, this was a biggy, a significant biggy, a biggy not to be overlooked. Different reasons, but my hormones were out of control, and Caleb and I both felt it (he just didn’t get the cause).
But aside from all that, my life in March and April to my life in May has not changed all that much (except for said hormones which have settled down…most of the time). Why then have I gone from “not happy” to “happy,” and does it matter in the whole scheme of life? Well, to Caleb it certainly matters, and it matters to me. So what is the difference?
Life is a choice.
I was letting life choose my mood. It could change minute by minute based on what was happening. And then something changed. God put into my mind to write about one daily blessing in my life. From that point on, I looked forward with great anticipation to writing about that one, simple thing. I started looking at the blessings in my life rather than the struggles, the difficulties, the poor-me things. Because of my personality, I severely limit myself to just.one.thing. The problem is that I have so many things to choose! It became like a game. A game of seeing blessings.
Am I always “happy” now? No, I still have bad moods (though not as many). There are still days of just being bleh. But even those days are a blessing, for they make all the many good days stand out that much more.